Robots in Disguises
by LKW
Summary: Generation 1. Optimus Prime and his Pretenders go undercover to investigate the latest Decepticon scheme. Warning: drunken Autobots, Decepticons in leather, and Optimus Prime in a surprise disguise .... Please R


I own none of the characters used in this Gen 1 story, influenced by and using characters from both cartoon and comic (and poking fun at a couple offamous lines, and an incident or two, from the cartoon), but not directly based on either. The only thing the reader would need to know from the comics for this story (well, other than that the way that the Dinobots talk in this story is more like they do in the comics than in the cartoon) is that the Autobot Pretenders, in their shells, appeared to be human beings in spacesuits … thirty or forty foot tall human beings in spacesuits. I used this, and the old convention, seen from Bugs Bunny to Lilo and Stitch – and Superman, really - of obviously inhuman creatures being able to disguise themselves as normal people just by putting on some clothes, to come up with this pretty silly (and rather longer than I expected, by the time I finally finished) bit. If you won't be able to get past the absurdity of these disguises actually working (and it's admittedly quite absurd), you probably won't like most of this story. If you don't like Transformers silliness, you probably won't like much of any of it. You have been warned : ) Also, I know Spike should be older in a story set in the current day. Maybe in the universe of this story, he was born later. Or maybe it's just another kid they call Spike. Or something.

(None of my corrections from "preview" made it to the actual post. Hopefully this time...)

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"Seventy two, seventy three …."

Optimus Prime was keeping busy while awaiting the start of his command staff meeting … by bench-pressing his command staff.

"You see, Bumblebee … just keep exercising, and some day you'll be as big and strong as I am … seventy five." The Autobot Commander set down the platform holding his Transformers.

"Uh .. sure, Optimus," Bumblebee replied, more skeptically than usual.

"Now, as I see our guest speaker has arrived," Optimus said, after glancing towards the door, "let's get started."

"Holy Honors, Optimus Prime!" the young human Spike exclaimed. "I'm your guest speaker? Gee …"

"No, not you, kid," Prime corrected. "Eject, get on in here. Spike, you go … clean up something." The blue and silver Autobot cassette/warrior stepped into the room and took a chair, as the human boy happily wandered off.

"All right," Prowl, Optimus Prime's second-in-command, said, "let's call this meeting to order." He noticed there was still one on-going conversation.

"So I said," Ironhide semi-quietly told Hotspot, "'Some liquid nitrogen should cool you off!' Ha ha ha!"

"Uh, Ironhide?"

"Oh, sorry, Prowl. Go on, kid, start the meetin'."

"Oh, stop calling me 'kid', I'm only 83 thousand years younger than you are …. Anyway," Prowl continued, "before we get to the main topic of the meeting, is there any secondary business which needs to be cleared up?"

"Yes!" Ratchet, the chief medical officer, raised his hand. "I need more parts for my medical bay. You guys are getting too beat up … and also stealing my stuff."

"All right," Optimus Prime replied. "Jazz! Get a squad ready … for a trip to the auto mall!"

"Okay, daddio!" Jazz replied, making a note on what may have been the world's largest notepad.

"And don't forget the money this time."

"Right! Don't worry, Prime; I keep my wallet locked in my glove compartment these days!" Jazz drew many dollar signs on his notepad.

"Any other business?" Prowl asked the assembled bots.

"Yes!" Grimlock, the Dinobot Commander, stood up. "Me Grimlock … not appreciate being bench-pressed, Optimus Prime!"

"Duly noted," Optimus replied.

"And also … Me Grimlock should be leader of the Autobots!"

A series of groans and "Not this again!"s came from around the room.

"Well, me **should** be," Grimlock continued. "Me am stronger than Oppy, and transform into much scarier alternate form – "

"Grimlock!" The Dinobot Swoop appeared in the doorway. "Slag's in another fight downstairs!"

"Oh, great!" Grimlock groaned. "What it about this time?"

"Well, he said the Ark was rust-colored, but Mirage said it was burnt-orange –"

"Urg." Grimlock began to walk out. "Me come back to take over later."

"Ultra Magnus, maybe you'd better check on this squabble as well?" Optimus Prime asked his city commander.

"I can't **deal** with that now!" Ultra Magnus exclaimed.

"Ah, Red Alert, perhaps you can help Ultra?" Prime suggested.

"All right," the security director said as he climbed out of his chair. "I had better check on the secureness of the scene … I knew they'd be fighting when they were out of my sight, and now you'll all be talking about me while I'm gone, yes, I know – I know…." Red Alert continued to mumble to himself as he and Ultra Magnus headed down the corridor.

"Mmm, well," Optimus Prime said, trying to get the meeting back in order, "let's get to the main topic of our agenda: the Decepticons. Eject?"

"Okay, Prime. Well … I was monitoring the Monday Night game at the Meadowlands – huge touchdown pass, tipped by two DBs, then the halfback made a fingertip catch, but it looked like his shoulderpad might've hit the sideline before he crossed the plane, so the booth, since it was inside two minutes – "

"Blaster?" Prime asked helplessly.

"Okay, boss." The tall, red and yellow Autobot stood up. "Okay, Eject … uh … un-eject … you know, get over here."

"All right … it was a good game, though." Eject jumped towards Blaster, transforming as he went, into a cassette large enough to fit in the Communicator's chest compartment.

"All right …" Blaster said, internally assessing Eject's playback. "Oo!"

"What?" Prime and Ironhide asked simultaneously.

"That **was** a good game!"

"Blaster …" Prowl said menacingly.

"Okay, okay! … All right, so Eject was in the bar with the boys watching the game …"

"What?" Prime asked.

"And he didn't invite me?" Ratchet lamented. "I used to be the biggest partier on Cybertron! Doesn't anybody remember that anymore?"

"Anyway … what did he learn, Blaster?" Prowl asked.

"He found … where the Decepticons are gonna strike next!"

"How?" Prime queried. "Was one of them … at the bar?"

"The Decepticons would never go to a human bar – " Hotspot began.

"Yeah, they're not fun, like me!" Ratchet added.

"No … they're not at the bar til tonight." Blaster said.

"What?" This time it was Ratchet and Prowl who spoke in unison.

"Yeah, see this flyer?" Blaster hooked his A/V cable into the meeting room monitor. It showed figures the Autobots recognized … maybe, under their instruments, leather pants, and wigs. "Says they're playing there tonight."

"Yikes," Jazz commented.

"You sure those're the Decepticons?" Ironhide asked.

"See the band name?" Blaster replied. The flyer said "Metal Band". "See, crossed out underneath?"

"It says 'Megatron Band'," Prowl said.

"So!" Prime exclaimed. "This is where the Decepticons have been hiding – as a 'rock and roll band'. Brilliant! And, no doubt, deadly. Well," Prime declared to his attentive but agitated and confused troops, "it's time to fight fire with fire! No, not you, Hotspot," he added, motioning the Protectobot fire truck back into his seat.

Prime looked to his two right-hand autos. "Prowl – get the Pretenders."

"Uh, Prime?" Blaster said. "I think they're on tour –"

"Not **those** Pretenders, Blaster, man," Jazz corrected.

"I'm glad you know what's going on, Jazz," Optimus said " – because I have no idea what he was just talking about. And also, I need you … to prepare my disguise #1D."

"What? Prime … are ya sure?" Jazz whined concernedly.

"Yes, Jazz!" Prime replied. "It is time for me to go … undercover!"

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The bar was noisy, dirty, and crowded. Friday night happy hour started early and lasted long.

Fortunately, the ceiling was very high. It needed to be to accommodate two individuals by the bar, two hidden along a side wall, and three more seated at a table right near the, conveniently large and equally high-ceilinged, stage. Optimus Prime and his Autobot Pretenders: Landmine, Sky High, Waverider, Splashdown, Cloudburst, and Groundbreaker.

"All right, Splashdown –" Prime began, to one of the two Autobots seated with him.

"What? I can't hear you!"

"ALL RIGHT, SPLASHDOWN –" the Autobot leader repeated, more loudly.

"I'm **Groundbreaker**, Optimus; Splashdown is the one in the aqua overcoat –"

"WHAT?"

Groundbreaker tried again, with the help of a raised voice and hand gestures. "ME – GROUNDBREAKER. THERE –" gesturing towards the bar – "SPLASH- DOWN!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Prime replied. "IS IT ALWAYS SO LOUD HERE?"

"WAIT TIL THE MUSIC STARTS!" Landmine remarked.

"IN THAT CASE, CLOUDBURST," Prime responded, "I THINK WE SHOULD COMMUNICATE VIA INTERNAL SHORT-RANGE RADIOS!"

"OKAY, PRIME," Landmine replied as he activated his radio. "BY THE WAY, I'M **LANDMINE **–"

"OW!" exclaimed several Autobots over the internal band.

"You don't have to yell over the radio!" the actual Cloudburst, wearing a red trench coat and blue hat over the spacesuitish armor of his Pretender shell and seated along the side wall with Waverider, exclaimed.

"Indeed, Sky High," Prime concurred. "Still – that did alert everyone to activate internal radio?"

The Pretenders voiced confirmation, some more coherently than others.

"Sky High, you okay?" Groundbreaker asked.

"Shhure, I's **great**!" Sky High radioed back, waving from the bar.

"I thought that was Waverider," Prime said.

"No," Groundbreaker replied, "Waverider's the one on the wall, with the gray coat and the blue hair."

"Oh. Well, what's wrong with … Sky High? He sounds overenergized."

"I think he's had a little too much to drink," Landmine remarked, looking at his Pretender comrade laughing by the bar while taking a pint glass-sized shot of Southern Comfort.

"We can't get drunk from human intoxicants … can we?" Optimus asked.

"Our Pretender shells can," Groundbreaker answered, as Splashdown fell facedown into a puddle of spilled beer, dislodging his hat from the helmet of his shell.

"Be careful, Cloudburst!" Prime radioed.

"I'M CLOUDBURST! OVER HERE!" Cloudburst exclaimed, jumping up and down by the side wall.

"Oh. Really? Sorry," Prime replied. "I just have such trouble … telling you apart in your disguises."

"Uh-oh. I think someone is having too much trouble seeing through yours," Groundbreaker remarked, looking to his right.

"Hey, honey," an overweight, tattoed man in sleeveless leather said. The bar had become quieter, a sign that the band was about to come on. "How you doin' tonight?"

"All right," Optimus Prime replied.

"Buy you a drink?" the man asked.

"I can't drink – " Optimus began.

"Hey, back off, pal," Landmine said. "She's with us."

"But she's so fine – and tall!" The man smiled. "I loves me a tall woman!"

"Dude!" Groundbreaker had pulled the barrel of his gun out from concealment in his coat. "Get ta steppin'!"

"O- okay," the biker man said, backing off. "Nice gun, though!"

"Hey, thanks!" Groundbreaker replied.

"Was that really necessary?" Prime asked of his tablemates after the human had left.

"Trust us, Prime," Landmine said. "We've spent more time among the humans than you have, blending in in our shells …."

"Here, guys," Sky High said, suddenly appearing. "Jaegerbombs!"

"Hey, thanks!" Groundbreaker said.

"Some of us more into the blending than others …." Landmine added, as Sky High headed over to the two Autobots against the wall.

"To be honest, Prime," Groundburst said, after finishing his drink, "I'm more confused about your costume."

Prime set down the drink, which of course he couldn't swallow without a mouth, even through the "lips" drawn on his faceplate in red lipstick. "What's confusing?" the Autobot Commander asked, adjusting his long blonde wig.

"Well … I know why we're here, since we can blend in. But why did you come with us …."

"In a red dress and pearls and all?" Landmine added.

"Oh." Prime pulled on the fabric of his dress, taking a closer look at it. "Is this floral pattern not pleasing?"

"No, I'm sure it's fine," Landmine replied.

"Very becoming," Waverider opined over the radio net.

"But …." Groundbreaker began.

"Why isn't ya in a trenchcoat like the resht of us, boss?" asked Splashdown, now mostly dried off and back at his post along the bar.

"Oh!" Prime responded. "Well, when the Decepticons are among a large crowd of humans such as this, it is likely that they'll take hostages. And I can't risk anyone else being taken."

"And you think the dress makes it more likely they'll take you?" Cloudburst asked.

"Yes!" Prime replied, his wig briefly slipping at his emphasis. "The Decepticons are evil; and therefore sexist. They underestimate the human women, and so they will underestimate me, in this disguise."

"Okay," Landmine said, a trace of doubt in his voice. "You're the Commander, Optimus."

"Now," the wig-wearing leader said, "what are our final determinations of the Decepticons' plans?"

"Well," Waverider said, "their sound equipment is definitely non-standard. I think it **has** been designed to absorb sound energy."

"Yes … ." Prime said. "Still, could this trip gather enough energy to be worth the trouble? Or is there another reason for this undercover raid?"

"Ah know! Ah know!" Sky High radioed excitedly.

"Really?" Prime asked, somewhat dubiously.

"Yeah, ah do. Ah do … he knows," Sky High said, pointing at Splashdown.

"I do's? …Oh, **that**," Splashdown said, setting down his drink and steadying himself. "Yeh – they want the governor."

"The governor?" Prime repeated.

"Yeppers!" Splashdown affirmed. "I heard lots a' little peeps talkin'; he's a'comin' here to hear the band. Big metal fan, I guessh."

"Ah!" Prime exclaimed. "If Megatron captures the governor …."

"They could extort all kinds of things from the state," Landmine chimed in. "Energy, land …."

"Booze!" Sky High exclaimed.

"Uh, yes," Prime said. "Good work, Waverider."

"For what?" Waverider asked.

"Oh, I meant … the one in the burgundy?"

"Splashdown," Groundbreaker replied.

"Good work, Splashdown!" Prime said. Splashdown responded by toasting Prime with the latest beverage Sky High had given him. "And … perhaps you should slow down with your undercover imbibing," Prime added, as Splashdown missed his mouth, hitting his hat with the alcohol.

"I can shtop any time I wants!" Splashdown asserted.

"Yeh! Me toos!" Sky High added, toasting his statement.

Optimus' reply was preempted by the announcement coming through the speakers. "Testing! Testing! Ladies and gentleman … the Metal Band!"

"Showtime," Optimus Prime said. "Is my lipstick smudged?"

A group of a half-dozen very tall, very leathered musicians walked out.

"Greetings, flesh crea – **fellow **flesh creatures," Megatron's voice emerged from behind a goatee. The crowd cheered as the disguised Decepticons sat at their instruments.

…Except for one man at a table adjacent to Prime, Landmine, and Groundbreaker's. "Hey," the man began, "there's something … a little weird about those guys … don't ya think?"

"Huh?" "What?" "Whatcha mean?" and "Shaddup, dude!" were among the comments heard from the crowd.

"No, man," the guy said, "do they seem … kinda big or something?" A couple of bar/showgoers started murmuring.

"No, we're …" Megatron began, trying to sedate the patrons, "we're …."

"We're –AUSTRALIANS!" Soundwave exclaimed desperately. (Even black leather coat, pants, and cap couldn't disguise **that** voice.)

"Oh." "Oh yeah." "Okay, I get it." "I never thought they seemed weird." "See? Australians are just like the rest of us," came from the crowd.

"Good work, Soundwave!" Megatron said quietly to his aide. "And now," he spoke into the microphone, "listen to our heavy metal music!"

The crowd cheered as the loud, guitar-driven rock began.

"They **are **loud," Prime observed.

"Yeah," Landmine said. "But …pretty good?"

"Yeah!" Sky High agreed.

As the frontman began to sing, Prime was now certain: this was Megatron, goatee or not.

"Any sign of the governor yet, Cloudburst?" Prime asked.

"Nope, not yet," came the reply.

"Whack fo da dad-i-o," Megatron sang mightily. "Whack fo da dad-i-o."

Studying the musicians closely, Prime tried to determine their identities. The lead guitarist's long wig slipped slightly; was that Skywarp? And one of the beings guarding the stage, in a "Metal Band" t-shirt, had some kind of a cord running from the sound equipment to his leg.

"I think the 'security' man is Octane," he informed the others.

"Good call, Optimus," Landmine replied. "I see it now."

"And the line running to him …."

"Is allowing him to absorb the energy from their performance and the crowd's response?" Waverider guessed.

"Indeed," Prime concurred.

"Jump 'em now, Optimus?" Sky High asked. "Jump 'em now?"

"No, for now we continue to wait and observe," the Autobot leader replied. "And try to be certain you're ready … you two by the bar."

"Oh, us'll be fine!" Splashdown assured.

"Yeh! Soon as we's pop outta our Pretender suits, we's'll be fresh as rain, or somethin'," Sky High seconded.

"Whack fo da dad-i-o! Whiskey in a jar-o!" Megatron continued.

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The concert continued on uneventfully for a while. The Decepticons made only music, not any overtly hostile moves, so the Autobots waited. They did decide that the drummer was Tantrum, the Predacon. Like Octane, he was a living fuel transport; and like Octane, he had a cord running into him from the electronic equipment. Unlike Octane, he had gold chains, a coat with a fur-lined collar, and dark sunglasses which shook as he drummed. The guitarist with the gigantic handlebar moustache remained, for the moment, unidentified.

During a brief break between songs, Soundwave turned his back to the crowd and unzipped his jacket. "Rumble: eject," he said. "Operation: percussion."

"And now, for our next number," Megatron announced, "we are bringing in a guest performer. Please welcome, on additional drums, Rrrr…Ron Bull!" The somewhat shorter, hairless but still leather-wearing, "guest player" waved to the crowd as he sat down behind a second drum kit. A heavy, rapid drumbeat began.

"You know," Landmine said, "they really are pretty good."

"Yeah," Waverider seconded. "Maybe they can play our next holiday party!"

Optimus Prime didn't have to remember Waverider's name to shoot him a look, visible even under his long blonde hair.

"I'm just saying!" Waverider said defensively.

"I do agree it is too bad," Prime conceded. "And this drumbeat is … compelling. If only the Decepticons **could** be turned to music as their true occupation, and not just a dangerous pretense…"

"I'm a cold heartbreaker, fit to burn, and I'll rip your heart in two!" Megatron sang. "And I'll leave you lying on the bed!"

"Guns 'n' f'n Roses!" Sky High yelled.

"Yeah!" Splashdown cheered.

"Their pretenses may not be the only dangerous ones," Optimus groaned.

"'Cause you…could…be…mine!" Megatron chorused.

"But you're way…out…of…line!" dueted Soundwave.

"With your bitch-slap rappin' and your cocaine tongue, you get no…thing…done! I said you…could …be … mi-ne!" all of the Decepticons harmonized.

When the song hit the instrumental, Soundwave had a chance to confer with his leader. "Megatron!"

"Yes, Soundwave?" Megatron replied, backing away from the front of the stage while continuing to play a supporting guitar chord.

"The governor has arrived!" Soundwave nodded in the direction of Ravage, hidden amongst the crowd. The catlike robot was standing on his hind legs, wearing a metal-studded black leather jacket and a black leather bandana on his head. He gave a thumbs-up sign with his paw.

"Excellent!" Megatron declared. "Soon, our show will take a surprise turn … after we finish this song."

The governor's arrival was also noticed by the Autobots. "Is that him?" Cloudburst asked.

"Yeshs, you betcha!" Splashdown said. "Hey! Guv'na!"

"Ssh!" Waverider radioed.

Presently, the "Metal Band" was finishing their number: "Cocaine tongue! You could be mine! Cocaine tongue! You could be mi-ine! Yeah!"

"Yes," Megatron said, as the sound of music and cheers died down, "you could be mine – Mr. Governor!" He pointed at the political figure. "You now belong … to the Decepticons!" Some panic and screaming, and some drunken confusion, started to ensue. "Seize him!"

"Wait!" a sad attempt at a high-pitched voice said. "Don't hurt anybody!" Optimus Prime stood up, in his red dress and wig, pearls and lipstick. The Pretenders were busy readying themselves, Waverider and Cloudburst sliding along the wall towards the stage, while Splashdown and Sky High … ordered one more shot. Groundbreaker kept one optic on his disguised leader, one on Megatron. Landmine adjusted his fedora.

"We weren't planning to," Megatron replied with a goatee-enhanced sneer.

"If you just go into this crowd, seizing people," Prime continued, "there could be a panic. Maybe … you should take a hostage?"

Megatron considered. "Perhaps you have a point, large flesh creature. Skywarp!"

The black and purple Decepticon, currently even more black with leather and wig, stopped tuning his guitar. "Yeah, boss?"

"Seize that man over there," Megatron commanded, pointing at a muscular, blonde-haired man passed out at his table in the corner.

"What?" the disguised Prime asked in surprise. "Don't you want to take me?"

The Decepticons looked at each other.

"No," "Ron Bull" said.

"Not particularly," was Megatron's reply.

"Why would we?" Soundwave asked.

"Because … I'm a girl," Optimus replied confusedly. "I'm just a helpless female. Do not the villains always kidnap the women, because they assume we are inferior?"

"No," several Decepticons replied with surprise.

"Why would we think that human females are inherently inferior?" Soundwave asked.

"That's pretty stupid negative stereotyping," Skywarp remarked.

"I think all humans are **equally** inferior!" Tantrum contributed from behind his kit.

"Yeah!" agreed Rumble.

"It's pretty stupid to think someone's better or worse than someone else based on their gender," Thundercraker, who had gone unnoticed as the bass player, but had now shed his blonde wig, said.

"Indeed," Soundwave seconded.

Suddenly, the familiar voice of Starscream was heard, emerging from … behind that gigantic handlebar mustache? "So, we're supposed to take a human woman hostage, because we're evil?"

"Yes," the floral-patterned Prime said desperately.

"That's insane!" Starscream said, almost shaking off his leather cap as he shook his head.

"We are conquerors, not imbeciles," Megatron said. "A being which would presume such a preposterous attitude in us … most likely is infected with such foolishness herself."

"No!" Optimus Prime exclaimed.

"Enough talk!" Starscream said. "Let's get what we came for!"

"Get ready, guys," Waverider broadcast to his fellows.

"Surely, this is our darkest hour!" Optimus proclaimed.

"For you, perhaps, sexist Earth creature," Megatron said, as Skywarp and Thundercracker began to move into the crowd.

Unnoticed by the band of Decepticons, Groundbreaker took aim.

Suddenly, Optimus Prime ripped his dress open.

"Hey!" Skywarp said to Thundercracker. "I've heard about this part of rock 'n' roll concerts! …Wait a sec! Those aren't mammary glands!"

"That's the Matrix!" Thundercracker cried.

Optimus Prime's chest was opened. He pulled the ancient, powerful object to which Thundercracker referred from its repository inside him.

"Optimus Prime?" several Decepticons exclaimed really incredulously.

"Now light our darkest hour!" the Autobot leader exclaimed, his wig shaking.

"Cover him, Autobots!" Groundbreaker cried.

"Autobots?" Megatron asked, as several large, trenchcoated "humans" suddenly produced laser guns. "Autobots! Decepticons – "

"Hey!" a not large, non-trenchcoat wearing, but pretty drunken, woman in the audience yelled.

"What is it, human?" Megatron asked with annoyance. "We're very busy – "

"Yeah – playin' **cover **songs!" the woman scoffed.

"So?" Megatron asked.

"Yer just a – bar band!" the woman scoffed dismissively. "You guys can't do anything original, can ya?"

"Nobody challenges Megatron!" the leather-jacketed Decepticon leader declared. He picked up his guitar, strumming one cord repeatedly.

"I will defeat you easily," he sang, as Waverider and Skywarp began to fight. "I will laugh at your inept attempts to combat me! I will break off your arms and beat on you with them …"

Ravage took Groundbreaker by surprise, before he could fire at Megatron. More Decepticons were leaving the stage, as some of the Autobot Pretenders shook off their disguises.

"I will conquer everything and everyone will knell before my infinite majesty," Megatron continued. "I will … throw molasses all over your idiotic wig…" An unpleasant rumbling began to arise in the crowd.

Meanwhile, Optimus Prime was seated on the ground, wig slipping over his face, still struggling with the Matrix. "Open! Darn it, **open**!" he cried, pulling on the Matrix, completely ignoring the fingerholes in its handles.

"Step aside, Megatron!" Starscream exclaimed, his mustache shaking. "You're messing it up!" He stepped up to the microphone, the fringe on his chaps waving as he walked. "Haven't you been listening to the fleshlings' songs? The key is to **rhyme**." He demonstrated, in a sing-songy voice.

"You must bow before my power! I will make all of you cower! Over all of you I tower! I could beat you all this hour! Don't … show me any flower! Ah … I can be kind of dour! I … like to sing in the shower! I … I …"

"I'm armed with cleansing power?" Soundwave suggested helpfully.

The rumbling in the crowd peaked – as full-blown booing. Octane disconnected from his equipment and backed towards the stage. The Decepticons still on-stage began to step back from their equipment.

"It's going down!" Splashdown exclaimed, having finally extricated himself from his Pretender shell. "Come on, Sky High!"

"Riiight behind yous!" Sky High exclaimed. He separated from his Pretender casing, and began making his way to the stage. "Come on, shell! Let's double-team – huh?" Sky High's shell stayed at the bar and picked back up its oversized glass. It began chugging. "Hey! Get over here! Stop that!" He ran over to the bar, grabbing his shell's arm. "Put that down!" The shell pushed at him with its free hand and continued drinking.

"Man! It's awkward fighting in these pants!" Thundercracker lamented as he tried to take a swing at Landmine.

"Hey! Watch the hat!" Landmine exclaimed.

The crowd's hostility was fully erupting now. They began to throw whatever was readily at hand at the "Metal Band". A torrent of food and beverages began to pummel the Decepticons.

"I have beer in my goatee!" Megatron exclaimed.

"Aaa! Nachos! Nachos!" Soundwave cried.

"Megatron! The governor is gone!" Ravage reported.

"He must have fled in all of the confusion!" Megatron surmised. "Soundwave – did our absorbtion equipment fill its quota?" he asked, as a beer mug broke on his shoulder.

Soundwave managed to check the equipment through the sludginess. "Affirmative."

"Decepticons!" Megatron commanded. "We have half of what we came for! Retreat!"

"Why do we always 'retreat'?" Starscream asked, as Decepticons began to make for the stage exit. "Whenever we leave someplace, it's always 'retreat, retreat, retreat'! We need a new saying. Like 'pull out!' Or 'depart!' Or 'Transform and ro – er, fly out!' Yes!" he exclaimed. "I've created our new battle cry! I've succeeded where Megatron has failed! **I **now lead the Decepticons!" He produced a badge with the Decepticon symbol from his pocket as proof.

"You've got a badge?" Thundercracker asked confusedly.

"So what?" Skywarp asked.

"Yeah!" Rumble said. "So do I!" He pulled it out.

"Me, too!" Skywarp added, as he and Thundercracker also produced Decepticon symbol badges.

"What was that supposed to prove, Starscream?" Tantrum asked, as he pulled out a badge of his own.

Soundwave held up three of them.

"Arg!" Starcream cried.

"It proves that you're imbecilic, Starscream!" Megatron said, casually swatting the mustachioed Decepticon. Starscream went flying through the back wall.

"Get back here, Megatron!" Groundbreaker exclaimed. He ran towards the stage, but was stopped by a mighty blow from Long Haul. The Constructicon had emerged from backstage, wearing a black "Metal Band Crew" t-shirt and blue jeans. The other Pretenders stepped up to help, except for Splashdown, who guarded the despondent Optimus Prime, and Sky High, who was still struggling with his shell.

"No! No more So Co!" he cried.

"Long Haul!"

"Yes, Megatron?" Long Haul looked back over his shoulder. "Want me to fight a holding action against the Autobots, while you guys withdraw?"

"No," Megatron replied. "You're our … 'roadie'. Retrieve our equipment!"

"Aw …." Long Haul replied disappointedly. He flung Groundbreaker into Waverider, then began picking up instruments.

"You'll be all right, Optimus," Cloudbreaker said encouragingly as he came up to his leader.

"Yeah. You just need to get up and going," Splashdown added. "Shell! Get over here and give us a hand!"

Splashdown's shell slowly rose, and began to make its somewhat unsteady way towards the group.

Meanwhile, the withdrawing Decepticons were having some problems of their own.

"Man!" Skywarp exclaimed. "It's really hard to transform in these clothes!" Thundercracker couldn't reply; he had already fallen over trying.

"Just get to the shuttle!" Megatron commanded. "It's right out back! As for you, Prime," he continued, turning to face his wigged foe. "A parting gift!" He began to transform, as Soundwave stood with waiting hand … but was hampered by his leathers. "Arg! This really is difficult!" He returned to full robot mode. "Ah, well. The old fashioned way, then." He raised his fusion cannon, bulging greatly under his sleeve. "Until next time, Optimus Prime! …Hopefully without the lipstick." He fired, then followed his stumbling band out the door.

Megatron's fusion blast flew right at the Autobot leader … as Splashdown's shell stumbled towards the kneeling group of Autobots. And wandered right into the blast's path.

Splashdown and Cloudburst ducked, pushing Prime down with them. Splashdown's shell flew against the far wall of the bar. What people remained in the bar were fleeing now. "Shell?" Splashdown asked.

After a few moments … the shell pulled itself up. It was charred, but still operational. It flashed an "ok" sign; then fell face forward.

"Ouch," Waverider said.

"Don't worry," Landmine responded, "I think it's feeling no pain."

"Mine too," Sky High said, walking up carrying his shell under his arm.

"They … are lucky, then," Optimus Prime said. He climbed to his feet. "I have failed." He removed his wig.

"No … no, you haven't," Waverider reassured.

"Yeah," Landmine said. "They didn't get the governor."

"Yes," Prime realized. "Where is the governor?"

"Right here," Landmine replied, pulling the governor out of his coat pocket.

"Good work, Waverider," Prime said.

"I'm LANDMINE, Waverider's the one without the fedora – "

"Landmine, maybe now's not the best time to correct Optimus Prime …" Splashdown suggested.

"No, Sky High, I may need plenty of correction," Optimus said. "The Decepticons … aren't sexist? But they're evil!"

"Well," Groundbreaker commented, "they sure seemed to disagree with the idea – and long before they knew you weren't really a human female."

"Yeah," Cloudburst agreed. "I guess we learned that just because the Decepticons are the bad guys, it doesn't mean they're stupid."

"Agreed, Splashdown," Optimus said.

"CLOUDBURST!" Cloudburst screamed. "CLOUDBURST! CLOUDBURST! … CLOUDBURST!"

"Optimus …" Groundbreaker began, "it isn't really because of our disguises that you can't remember our names, is it?"

Optimus hung his head. "No. You're right …?"

"Groundbreaker."

"Ah. Right. It's just … I get so many new troops," Optimus Prime explained. "It seems like every year now, I have an entirely new group of Autobots."

"Now probably wouldn't be a good time to tell him we're expecting another bunch of Pretenders and Headmasters next week, huh?" Splashdown asked of Landmine.

"No, probably not," Landmine answered.

"Arg! More robots I won't even recognize!" Prime lamented.

"Sorry, Optimus," Waverider said.

"Yeah, maybe we can … wear nametags or something?" Landmine offered.

"Yes … perhaps that would help," Prime mused. "For just a little while. …Don't forget to have a set for your shells, as well," he added, "… assuming that your shells will still be functional?"

"Yeah, I think they'll be okay, Prime," Sky High said, looking down at his passed out disguise suit. "Might need to enter a twelve-step program or something," he added, "but …."

"I may have to as well," Prime replied. "Tell me, my Autobots – were the Decepticons correct? Am **I** actually the chauvinist?"

The Pretenders made general noises and cries of denial.

"I do have proper respect for the females? Then why do I assume the Decepticons would kidnap them? Just because chicks are so soft and squishy?"

Now his fellow Autobots sounded less reassuring.

"Did I say something wrong?" Prime asked. "Should I have said babes? Slims? Little homemakers? How should I talk about the fragile little honeys?"

"Um …." Sky High said.

"Look, Optimus," Groundbreaker said, "maybe … we'll give you a little education. Just to help you feel better."

"Yeah," Splashdown agreed.

"Really?" Optimus asked. "You can help me?"

"Of course, Optimus," Waverider reassured.

"I'll go through the historical footage," Landmine said.

"Okay, but we'll need more than that," Groundbreaker said. "Sky High, can you get Jazz's 'Alien' movie videos?"

"Sure thing," Sky High agreed, as he carried his passed-out shell away.

"And we'll get out the 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' episodes," Groundbreaker continued, as he helped Optimus Prime off.

"Ooo!" Cloudburst cried. "Can I watch, too?"

"We all can," Groundburst smiled reassuringly. "We all can."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

_Songs used:_

_Whiskey in a Jar_ (or, _The Whack Fo Da Dad-i-o Song_) by Metalica

_You Could Be Mine_ (aka "The Terminator 2 song") by Guns 'n' Roses


End file.
